The last several weeks have been trying for me. I had been so increasingly feeling excluded from my daughter's world. I finally managed to connect with her alone and for long enough to have a more real conversation than our previous pleasantries that time would allow. I am very fortunate that she has established her blog as much of her experience comes through in her writing and pictures. It is a mature grown woman that comes through loud and clear. Her character is strong, determined, and independent enough to stay that way. There are not words to express the pride I have in her. I believe that she knows the depth of my feelings but it is definitely hard to articulate. I know that I should be more forthcoming in this venue to prevent her feeling the same distance. Hopefully, she will have a lightened sense of distance by this too.
I went through a difficult time of illness a couple of months ago and have now been struggling through the financial hardships resulting in weeks of missed work. It has been a lesson in humility and feeling desparately sorry for myself. It is with much emotion I look at the pictures from her latest venture. There she is seeing more of the Africa I had envisioned; the desolate land, the spare amenities available to the people, the extreme crowding and limited personal space. I find it difficult to fathom this level of poverty. Though in a way, they are not as poor as I currently feel. They have some opportunity to provide for themselves and sad as it may be, that is the lot life has dealt them. I would say they cannot miss what they have not known. But for me, it is definitely reminding me of all the many advantages and everyday things taken for granted; running, warm water, heat, electricity, food preparation... even in my daughter's earlier comments, she mentions only having a stove available for cooking and how difficult that is. I now am feeling stronger through this time. However, it is still overwhelming to need gas for the car, bread or milk to feed my children, soap to do laundry. I am lucky in that I can count the days to the next paycheck and endure.
I have also struggled with returning to work and public opinion. I have not had a great attendance record with two sons that have health issues as well as my own. It is very difficult for the others to accept my time off as my work going undone creates an evenly split increase in every one's workload. I put in great effort when I am there. I do not visit overly much or take long breaks. I do not take advantage though I am sure it feels that way to others. Amidst this environment, I was notified that I had been nominated for and won an award for a project I had taken on. I let myself feel that this was not a big thing and was almost embarrassed by this because of having been gone. It was not until I went to the award dinner that I realized the import of my accomplishment. While it is true that someone else could easily have participated in this project in my place, I realized that there was no one else who would have taken it to the level that I did. It was a very freeing and invigorating process. As each step was undertaken, a new and exciting leap to another level would come to me. The support and encouragement I received from management was amazing. And though I feel proud of my accomplishment and extremely satisfied that it will make vast changes in the process of our work, I still find it difficult to shrug off the "bad feelings" I perceive from those around me day to day.
I should learn from my daughter to be self motivating and accept my own determination despite the popular opinion. That is how change occurs in our world and I am making a concerted effort to keep this in mind.
Sometimes it is very difficult to be an introvert!
The award itself and the realization of the impact has been very empowering and I find myself more excited about my job. It is very likely that we will work from home within the next year. I can honestly say that I would then love my job! Through all my vast work experience, I have never had a job I honestly enjoyed more. I was quite certain that I would be bored with it quickly but had needed the change. I realize now that I make of the job what I want it to be. It has been five years since I started this job and I love it as much now as I did then.
Okay, no real idea of how to close these thoughts. So I just will...
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